Get Your True Blood on DirecTV

True Blood has started its second season, and if you don’t have HBO, you’re really missing out. If you don’t have HBO in HD, you’re really, really missing out. There’s nothing like bloody vampire carnage in crystal clear high definition. I’ll be posting on True Blood in the coming weeks, but for now you need to know the easiest, cheapest way to get HBO in HD. That’s easy -- DirecTV. And to find the best Direct TV Deals, you need to check out Kaptain Satellite. Kaptain Satellite has beau coups of information on satellite TV, plus the latest free offers on to get your HD going without breaking the bank. Sookie and Bill are beckoning you from Bon Temps. Don’t miss out on the greatness of True Blood. Check on Kaptain Satellite and get your Direct TV HD hook-up today.

Texas Rangers Baseball -- Oxymoron no Longer?

It is with great trepidation that I post on the 2009 Texas Rangers. I say this because it seems like every time I write, talk or even think about the Rangers as an improved team, the bottom generally falls out within days. So with utmost respect to the baseball gods, I would like to say that I am getting a little bit intrigued with this team. Just a little, baseball gods. Please don’t break my tiny little baseball heart again…

Of course, a seven-game winning streak and a three-game sweep of the division powerhouse Anaheim Los Angeles California Western United States Angels of the Pacific America Region might not cause the Yankees or Phillies to pop the champagne bottles, but it’s a damn good May for the generally cellar-dwelling Rangers. It’s not just the winning, though. To succumb to a well-worn cliché, it’s the way they’re winning. Excellent pitching. Sterling defense. Hitting that includes not only home runs, but that rarest of rarities for a Texas team: timely singles, doubles, sacrifice flies and anything else that might get a man to home plate.

And more than anything, it appears that Ranger president Nolan Ryan has infused this team with a confidence not seen in these parts since the late ‘90s – and maybe not even then. This is a team that looks like they believe they can win any game, and they sure look like they’re having a great time trying. Fans are certainly having a great time watching them, with many games ending on either a walk-off hit or great defensive effort, as in the double play in which Ian Kinsler somehow got to a sure single up the middle and then glove-flipped it to Elvis Andrus, who then fired to first for the game-ending double play. That one got me off my chair – not an easy thing to do these days.

Hey, it could fall apart tomorrow. Closer Frank Francisco is on the 15-day disabled list, which further depletes an already suspect bullpen. The starting pitching could unravel at any moment, and the Rangers’ hitters could fall in love with the home run swing again. All that could happen. But, at the risk of defying the baseball gods, I have a feeling that this team might make a solid run this year. Even better, they look like a team that could be pretty good for several years. For the baseball equivalent of the Detroit Lions, that’s about as exciting as it gets.

Phoenix: Pop Bliss Rising

As a proud 42-year-old curmudgeon, I don’t seek out a lot of new music. However, after I saw the French band Phoenix on Saturday Night Live recently, I was compelled to pick up their 2006 release It’s Never Been Like That, which proved to be an infectious collection of brightly melodic pop songs brimming with sharp, witty lyrics and excellent playing. This is the kind of pure pop music I love: Instantly catchy songs, many filled with augmented and diminished chords, buoyed by a supple rhythm section, highlighted by jangling guitars and swashes of keyboard, and all tied together by the dynamic, enigmatic vocals of lead singer Thomas Mars. Attention American Idol wannabes (except for Adam): This is what a genuine pop star sounds like. 

A peppy album comprising 10 terrific tunes with a vaguely retro ‘80’s sound, It’s Never Been Like That begins with the unlikely request – by Napoleon no less – to “take off your coat… take off your long johns, too”, before progressing to the soaring melodic heights of “One Time Too Many” and “Lost and Found”, the dreamy instrumental “North”, and the riveting sing-along “Sometimes in the Fall.” This is pure, non-stop pop bliss. Elvis Costello once commanded us to Get Happy. It’s Never Been Like That will allow you to do just that. Phoenix is set to release a new album, Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix, on May 26. I’ve already pre-ordered my copy; I highly recommend you do the same.

Flipping Off the TIVO Nation

Hold on a second while I climb on my gay soapbox…

American Idol screwed the TIVO nation last night. If you recorded the show -- like millions of people did -- you didn’t see the performance of Adam Lambert, the season’s best contestant and the only one I’m even remotely interested in hearing. That’s because for some inexplicable reason, the show was reduced to an hour, but then ran over by a good five minutes. My DVR recording cut off during the last commercial break, missing the entire last section of the show.  

It was pretty clear they were running out of time when the judges did a speed review of Matt Giraud (they loved him; I hated him as usual), and then I began to get a sinking feeling as I fast-forwarded through the commercials and saw the recording time clicking down to two minutes… one minute… 30 seconds… finally grinding to a heartbreaking halt. I found out later that Adam received a standing ovation from Simon for his version of the Tears for Fears song “Mad World.” That’s great. Well, at least Idol will receive the revenues from those last commercials. They wouldn’t dream of cutting those so the millions of people who record the show could see Adam sing, would they? What a bunch of jerks.  

Here’s an idea. Instead of stretching the results show to an excruciating hour with filler performances by marginal artists, keep the performance show at an hour and a half, and reduce the results show to 30 minutes. Or, better yet, keep the show an hour and make Scott MacIntyre the last singer every night. There’s a performer I would love my DVR to edit. This guy is the biggest cheese weenie since Clay Aiken. I was begging for him to pick the wrong fret placement on his electric guitar when he hit that first power chord of “The Search is Over.” Could he pick a worse song? Fricking Survivor!?! Why not “Eye of the Tiger”? At least there’s a little ironic humor in that choice. And why do the judges treat this guy with kid gloves? He’s horrible. Blind or not, he’s simply horrible.

Thanks Idol. You made sure we saw Scott singing Survivor, but you didn’t give a damn about Adam singing Tears for Fears.

The Ultimate Supplement

About six months ago I began the most challenging workout program of my life – Tony Horton’s P90X from Beach Body. I can now say that at age 42, I am in the best shape of my life. True, that’s not saying a whole lot considering the shape I was in before starting P90X. But it is a great exercise program filled to the brim with basic, highly effective workouts like weight training, plyometrics, yoga, core synergistics, Kempo karate and cardio. Let me tell you, I was sucking some major air when I started this program. The plyometrics (jump training) session had me gasping for breath after just a few series. Ditto yoga, core synergistics, Kempo and cardio. There are a lot of supplements out there that supposedly give you more energy and more endurance, but when you’re completely winded, there’s only one that really works -- good, old-fashioned oxygen. Sports oxygen will increase your endurance, slash your recovery time, improve your focus and allow you to push your muscles to the limit. For my money, the best sports oxygen can be found at www.oxygen4energy.com.

Idol Musings

Don’t ask me how, but I get roped into American Idol every year. I watch attentively, root for my favorites, and then promptly forget about the winner (and losers) as soon as the competition ends. I would be more likely to buy a Jonas Brothers album than anything by an Idol alum. And with that in mind, here’s my short analysis of this year’s Top 10. 

Dead Wife Guy
Am I the only person in America who thinks Danny Gokey is an insufferable Michael Bolton starter kit? I really hate this guy. He trots out the dead wife before he even auditions, and I’ll be damned if I saw any tears when he was “crying” about her. If I were a conspiracy theorist, I might have some probing questions about him and that curiously effeminate friend of his. Did you ever see Death Trap? (Note: The preceding comments are satiric and in no way constitute a legitimate allegation. I do allege that Gokey is an insipid windbag, however).

Arm Tattoo Girl
I like the idea of Megan Joy Corkrey more than I’ve enjoyed any of her performances thus far. I respect anyone who sings relatively straight in the subtlety vacuum that is American Idol, but I wish Megan would get a little jazzier and drop the Bettie Boop dance movies.

Country Guy
I’m not a fan of country music, but overall I don’t mind Michael Sarver, although he has yet to really impress me with any performance. But I cringe every time they report that he’s from Jasper, Texas, the location of one of the most heinous race crimes in recent memory. Michael seems like an OK guy. I just wish he was from Houston.

Precocious Rocker
Admittedly, 16-year-old Allison Irahate has pipes beyond her years. I find her a little grating and I wish she’d work on the hair color, but the girl can sing her Heart out. But I hate Heart, so what do I care?

Ballad Boy
Unless you’re a 12-year-old girl, the most interesting thing about Kris Allen was his reaction when Simon told him he should have kept his marriage a secret. Kris feigned indignation, but underneath the surface was just a touch of agreement and – dare I say – regret. If I were the wife, I’d start worrying. The sap is on the prowl.

Blind Guy
I’m just going to say it: Scott MacIntyre would not be on American Idol if he weren’t blind. The guy is a third-rate Bruce Hornsby, an MOR nightmare about as contemporary Billy Joel singing Carpenter’s covers. I’m sorry he lost his vision, but it doesn’t negate the fact that he sucks donkeys.

R&B Girl
Lil Rounds has the chops – and name -- to be a professional singer in the Mary J. Blige /Alicia Keys vein. Yaaaaawwwwwwnnnnnnn. Oops, sorry. I nodded off for a moment. Good for you, Lil. Good for you. 

Slumdog Cheesebag
I know a lot of people like Anoop Desai. I think he seems like a very nice guy myself. But his vocal gymnastics on Willie Nelson’s “Always on my Mind,” plunged my ears into a Slumdog Millionaire-like feces pond. Anoop, you are a nice guy. You are also a cheese weenie of the highest order.

Shake Singer Guy
Matt Giraud is a shake singer. By that, I mean he sings with a continuous vibrato. It’s like someone is gently shaking him by the shoulders every time he’s at the microphone. I hate shake singers, and I hate Matt Giraud.

Drama Boy
Adam Lambert is an unlikely combination of Adam Ant, Morrissey, Axel Rose and Freddie Mercury. Despite what the judges said, his Echo and the Bunnymen take on Johnny Cash’s “Ring of Fire” was far and away the best performance of country night. He’s melodramatic in the extreme, but his range is off the chart and he has beau coups of charisma. He could front a band right now. Not a band I would ever listen to, but a band nonetheless.

Comfort Clothing

When you want to indulge yourself with something special, you seldom think “feet.” But I think that’s wrong. There’s nothing like a pair of comfy slippers to adjust your attitude and brighten your day, and when it comes to comfy slippers, there’s nothing like Acorn Slippers. Acorn Slippers have been providing ultimate comfort for people on earth – and people in space – for years. That’s right, Acorn Slippers have been standard issue on U.S. Shuttle Missions since 1982. Hey, if they’re good enough for our brave astronauts, they’re definitely good enough for me. Hanks Clothing offers a wide variety of these high-quality, good-looking Acorn Slippers for men, women and children, so visit them today and get your comfort on!